It is still a widespread cliché that men cheat more frequently than women. But they are not as innocent as we previously thought. Because women want sex too. Really good sex. They prefer to enjoy it with their partner, but that doesn’t mean they cheat any less than men.
Why do women cheat?
Women’s infidelities are on the rise, as marriage counselor Ashley Grinonneau-Denton of Cleveland, Ohio, knows: “When women don’t feel emotionally supported, admired, or able to have fun with their partner, or when the partnership is no longer a top priority, that can lead to affairs.” More and more women are employed, working in higher positions. This also changes their desires and demands on a sexual relationship. According to the expert, women long above all for a man who is stronger, more understanding and more successful professionally than their current partner. Women look for something in a fling that they don’t experience emotionally in their relationship.
But what drives women in addition to cheating? We have asked for you:
1. We were like roommates
At Carla* (29), sexual dissatisfaction and boredom were responsible for her infidelity: she had been in a relationship for a long time. “We lived together for three years. At some point we became more like roommates.” They stopped sleeping together and their ideas of a future together were completely different. Eventually she had a thing with a co-worker in a bar. They met more often, but never had sex. Still, she had a guilty conscience and broke up with her boyfriend. He never found out.
2. I could not express myself sexually
Also Elena* (31) reports that she was in a relationship for 2 years, but still saw her boyfriend only as a second sex partner. She had the feeling that she could not live out her sexual life with him, that she was not on the same wavelength with him. In her case, it was a one-time thing with a co-worker. “It was exciting. I felt sexy again. It was just the one time, felt totally unreal.” And even cranked up the sex life with her boyfriend again. She became confident again, was able to try new things. She never told her boyfriend because she didn’t want to hurt him. The relationship ended a few years later for other reasons.
3. He could not with alcohol
Henriette’s* (36) boyfriend had an alcohol problem. “He became incredibly rude to me when he was drunk.”
Even when he apologized the next day, he did not change his behavior. At some point she had enough and went to a bar alone in the evening, where she caught the eye of a good-looking business guy. She knew what he was about, but she enjoyed the eye-to-eye conversation. The evening ended in his room where they did everything – except sex. After she told her boyfriend, the relationship was over.
4. I took all the responsibility
At Petra* (59) it was similar. She did not want to have all the responsibility anymore.
She had been married for 25 years and was the sole breadwinner of the family. “My husband had a very destructive disposition.”
They disagreed on parenting and she didn’t want to pay for everything anymore. At some point she had enough. “On a business trip I met a man at the airport bar and fucked him in the bathroom.” Seven years later she divorced him out of dissatisfaction.
5. How could I refuse?
Nadine* (30) entered into a new relationship after her breakup. She was unhappy and didn’t really want a new commitment, did it out of security. At a conference abroad an attractive model showed interest in her.
She saw it as an opportunity. “We had one night 5 hours of unimaginably good sex. It was a magical night.” She confessed to her boyfriend in the end and they stayed together. When she was abroad again, she still met the model a few times.
6. It was not the relationship I wanted
Paula* (28) was with a man for two years. Both were still young, around their mid-20s, and knew that it would either come down to marriage or an imminent ending. Paula was not ready for both and suggested an open relationship. She realized, however, that she didn’t want that kind of relationship. “Normally, what I did wouldn’t be considered cheating under our agreement, except that I slept with his best friend.”
How to prevent her from cheating
Going through the whole Kama Sutra every day and inviting her to dinner at least once a week? This may score you points at first, but the real solution to the problem is closer than you think: be considerate of her needs. Talk about sexual desires as concretely as possible and without taboos, so that sex does not become a routine and ultimately a source of frustration, advises psychotherapist Ragnar Beer from the University of Göttingen. Beer has already been conducting a long-term study of couples for 20 years, in which he researches their partnership and their problems. His current findings show that men and women in relationships are communicating less and less adequately.
* Names changed by the editors