8 things you should never put your penis in

A steaming apple pie definitely belongs to the soft category of misappropriated things you can use for masturbation. It’s said that guys who like to experiment try their hand at vibrating console controllers, kitchen utensils and garden tools. We’ve tracked down the worst penis traps for you and tracked down men who have made painful acquaintances with them. Not suitable for imitation! 

Trap 1: Penis in plastic water bottle

Have you ever wondered if your penis would fit in the opening of that PET bottle there on the desk? Apparently, a man in Great Britain has. He tried it out and it promptly made the news. As the British daily newspaper The Sun reported, the man had to call the fire department, which finally freed his best piece from the awkward situation again. The Briton is not an isolated case with his sex accident. The article says that the spicy bailouts have cost British taxpayers the equivalent of almost 970000 euros over the past 5 years.

In another case, doctors had to amputate the penis of a 50-year-old from Honduras, because he had a bottle as a sex toy for 4 whole days . This was reported by the daily newspaper New Zealand Herald. What happens when the penis is stuck in a plastic bottle for 4 days? It turns black and disintegrates because the cells stop working. Doctors call this “necrosis”.

Penis trap 2: a steel tube

“I’m stuck in a pipe!”This is how a 40-year-old British man must have called 911. I wonder if the helpers knew at this point that he meant his penis rather than a finger? The man had inserted his penis into a steel tube and could not get it out again. The paramedics’ hands were tied at first because an enormous erection had developed due to the accumulated blood flow. Thanks to the work of 7 brave firefighters with a metal grinder, the man was freed 30 minutes later.

Trap 3: Penis in the vacuum cleaner

Granted: Vacuuming sounds good in principle. But believe us, no woman in the world sucks with the intensity of a modern vacuum cleaner. An attempt to repurpose that household appliance as a sex toy can end badly. How popular the onanism experiment is, shows the fact that from 1978 there is a dissertation of the Technical University of Munich on penile injuries during masturbation with vacuum cleaners. The author examined cases of patients who had inserted their penis into the suction nozzle of the vacuum cleaner in order to be sexually stimulated by the air flow. In the process, they had come into contact with the rotating fan of the device and sustained laceration injuries. Among experts, the injury is called “Kobold’s disease”, because it occurred with devices of the “Kobolds” model of the Vorwerk brand. Although the manufacturer subsequently changed the design, the vacuum cleaner is still not a suitable masturbation device.

Trap 4: Cock in a roll of tape

Boredom at the desk? Well, such a roll of tape looks very similar to a cock ring. There one can come already times on crazy ideas. The Internet magazine “The Daily Dot” reported the embarrassing story of a man who asked for help in an online forum because his penis was stuck in a roll of tape. He wrote that he had been having an erection for 20 minutes and couldn’t get the ring off. Advice to hold the penis under cold water only made things worse. Whether he eventually listened to a forum user who advised him to dial 110 is not known.

Penis trap 5: the wedding ring

As is generally known, a wedding ring is a symbol of eternal commitment. But he certainly didn’t imagine it to be the way a South African experienced it last year. The 28-year-old had allegedly listened to his buddies when he put his wedding ring over his penis. Stupidly run: The ring just wouldn’t come off – soap and oil didn’t help either. When he arrived at the hospital, the penis was already discolored blue and swollen. The doctors were only able to remove the ring when they were able to reduce the blood flow by injecting it into the penis.

Penis trap 6: a park bench

Really true: In Hong Kong, more than a dozen firefighters were busy for several hours trying to get the 41-year-old man’s penis from the crack of a metal park bench from a metal park bench. This is reported by the Daily Telegraph. Due to the erection, the helpers were unable to free the penis from the crack in the normal way. They cut out part of the bench and took the man to the hospital. There, several more hours were needed to free the penis from the metal. The Chinese man was lucky: if he had been stuck for just one hour longer, he would have lost his penis. As the reason for the accident, the man explained: He thought it would be nice to have sex with a park bench for sure. Well, thought wrong!

Item 7: Penis in fruit, vegetables & pasta sauce in a jar

An apple pie is far from the only food that is misappropriated for masturbation. The daily newspaper “The Telegraph reported Patrol officers in Australia recently stopped a 46-year-old man when he parked his car in a no-parking zone. The officers initially suspected the man had a gun on him because he shook his crotch suspiciously and then fled in the car. When the cops finally stopped him after 20 minutes and approached armed with mace, they realized the man’s member was hanging in a 750-milliliter jar of pasta sauce. Remember: sex in jars and on wheels – better not to do it!

Foods recommended for low-budget masturbation also include various fruits and vegetables. A popular suggestion as a DIY masturbator is a watermelon or honeydew melon. Instructions say: cut a hole in the rind, heat the melon in the microwave, put oil or Vaseline in the hole, and the melon pussy is ready. It is absolutely clear that something can go wrong with these self-made constructions. In forums men report of burns at penis, testicles and hands, because they had heated up the melon too long in the microwave oven. Others were injured by the sharp-edged skin. Vegan masturbation for beginners: och nö!

Trap 8: Cock in the toaster

Firefighters already see a lot of smut on a daily basis. Like the “Huffington Post” reported, firefighters in London in 2013 had to free a man’s to free a man’s penis from a toaster. The helpers call the operation an incident of the “Fifty Shades of Grey – effect”. Reason: The number of sex accidents involving household appliances or handcuffs has increased significantly since the release of the erotic trilogy of the same name, they say.

Conclusion: rather sextoys than experiments

Most of the mentioned accidents could have been prevented with a little sense. With all the joy of experimentation: You should simply not stick your penis and nose into things from which they will obviously not come out again. Instead of scrambling for embarrassing excuses in the emergency room, we’d rather invest in tried-and-true sex toys (there are great masturbators out there!) or simply use our hands for oldschool masturbation!

Joshua Foster
Sex toy user for 5 years and blogger
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pamperedpassions.com
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