Arguing the right way: 9 things you should never say to her

Heated arguments are the salt of every good partnership. A proper discussion not only shows differences of opinion, but also makes common ground visible. So arguing properly can actually strengthen the relationship. So much for the theory. Unfortunately, the practice of the argument culture often looks different. The brain prefers to switch off when the sparks are flying. In the search for powerful arguments, it is not uncommon for something ill-considered to slip out, causing explosive fuel. These 10 sentences you should refrain from if you want to smooth the waters again.

Argument no-go 1: “Now come on down.”

This phrase comes from the natural reflex to avoid an argument. With this phrase, however, you are treading on extremely thin ice. Just like “Stop crying now” or “Laugh a minute”, a general and judgmental phrase is not guaranteed to bring peace to the room. On the contrary, it catapults the pissed-off lady even further up the wall. Because she gets the feeling that you do not take her anger seriously, but label her as hysterical. As annoying as it may be, it’s less dangerous for your relationship to let them scream than to slow them down.

Dispute No-Go 2: “This is ridiculous.”

A statement like this is certainly not uncommon in a talk show exchange, but it doesn’t belong in an argument between relationship partners. Arguing between couples is not about one partner being right and the other being wrong. A constructive argument should lead to a solution and not humiliate one of the partners. This is the right way to argue: instead of making your partner look like a laughing stock, you could say, for example, “…well, but you can also look at things from a different angle.” If both of you put your opinions openly on the table, you are more likely to find a solution that suits both of you.

Argument-No-Go 3: “Well, okay! Are you satisfied now?”

Sarcasm is not a good advisor in an argument. This sentence is an attempt to end the argument passive-aggressively and does not lead to the solution of the actual problem. On the contrary, it will only make your partner’s confidence decrease and make her feel misunderstood. The worst thing about this phrase: the rant you can expect afterwards.

Argument no-go 4: “Always you do this, never you do that.”

An accusation that starts with a blanket statement like “you always do” or “you never do” puts the other person in a passive position and forces them to counterattack. How to argue properly: It is better to give concrete examples and not to constantly rehash the past. The point is not to repay like with like, but to find a solution.

Argument-No-Go 5: “But… “

If you answer her statement with “but”, overwrite everything your partner said before. And that’s exactly what most people can’t stand at all. Because it means that her words are less important than those of the discussion partner. This is the right way to argue: It is better to answer her with “and” or “at the same time”. How to show respect even if you disagree.

Argument No-Go 6: “Let’s just stop, okay?”

Arguing is often more tedious than a boxing match. That’s why it’s understandable that you need to take a breath. But when tempers are so high, you can’t just end the discussion. Here’s how to argue properly: Instead, let them know you need a break. Say, for example, “I need to step back for a moment and think about this. I promise that we will continue the conversation afterwards.”

Argument-No-Go 7: “You stupid cow!”

Bad language is absolutely taboo! Even if your partner brings out all the feminine weapons, curb your reflex to insult you. This will hurt her feelings and you will have a guilty conscience afterwards. This is not how you solve problems, this is how you get more problems!

Argument No-Go 8: “God, it’s exhausting with us.”

Yes, relationships are sometimes exhausting. But that’s just as true for family relationships and those between buddies. But let’s be honest: We want a little effort, too. After all, real love shouldn’t be a kitsch romance, but one worth fighting for. Your partner wants you to be willing to leave your comfort zone for the sake of the relationship. However, if you really run out of steam during the argument, suggest her to take a break or get some external help. A little distance or an objective opinion sometimes helps to smooth the waters.

Dispute No-Go 9: “That’s it.”

This is the top dog of all killer phrases! You can utter this phrase exactly once: when you’re really leaving your partner. Casually hinting at a breakup in an argument is about the most toxic thing you can do for love. But you’re not really one to give up at the slightest problem, are you? Small tip: Instead of making every spat feel like a breakup conversation, realize that open conversations and discussions actually strengthen your relationship in the long run. If you talk about throwing in the towel every time you argue, your wife won’t believe you anyway.

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