BDSM: Why women like it?

Women are into bondage, whipping and biting during sex. Don’t believe? You think the hype about “Fifty Shades of Grey” is completely overblown? If you think this way, you are not alone. Because most men are used to innocent flower sex. At most, restrained pats or hair pulling have been in it so far. BDSM is currently in everyone’s mouth and even many women openly admit their longing for the hard way.

But why is the wave apparently so far arrived in so few bedrooms? We talked to a BDSM expert. She says: “Every woman should try BDSM. When she has done it, she wants to do it again”. 

What does BDSM mean?

Behind the abbreviation BDSM are the first letters of the terms “Bondage & Discipline” (BD), “Dominance & Submisson” (DS) and “Sadism & Masochism” (SM). Translated this means: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism. The abbreviation BDSM refers to a range of sex practices that involve pleasure pain, playful punishment and. Let’s look at the 3 areas in detail:

  • Bondage – Discipline: Bondage and chastisement games fall under this category
  • Dominance -Submission: These are exciting power games on a psychological level with a clear distribution of roles. There is a submissive (“Sub” or “Bottom”) and a dominant partner (“Dom”) – either for the duration of the session or in the whole everyday life
  • Sadism – Masochism: this area of BDMS is the best known. Sadomaso is about causing pleasurable pain

Although all 3 areas fall under the umbrella term BDSM, they have to be considered in a differentiated way. For example, not every submissive partner likes pain or not every Dom likes to perform physical chastisement.
Very important: In sexual play, everything the partners do is agreed upon and voluntary. BDSM’ers distance themselves from forced actions.

Is BDSM a widespread secret fantasy?

The longing for a tougher form of sex is more widespread than is often assumed, according to the findings of a Survey by Canadian researchers of the Université du Québec in Trois-Rivières. Half of the 1500 study participants surveyed said they had already dreamed of bondage play. 44 percent of men and 24 percent of women even disclosed that they found spankings during sex exciting. But it usually remains a fantasy: according to a survey by the Forsa Institute commissioned by “Stern” magazine, only 15 percent of Germans have ever tried BDSM.

The prejudices against BDSM

Granted: Whips, leather masks and handcuffs look martial to many people. Accordingly, there are many prejudices against people who take such utensils to bed. Common prejudices against BDSM’ers are: they are sick, perverted or abnormal.

“This is only said by those who have never tried it. It’s like Chinese food,” explains the BDSM expert. “I know many BDSM’ler, who are very sociable people. You don’t even notice their sexual passion in everyday life”, says the dominatrix. Also a study of the Dutch University Tilburg confirms that BDSM’ers are not sick. On the contrary, the results indicate that the followers of the hard way are healthier, mentally more stable and happier in their partnership.

Why are women into BDSM?

Do you know the saying: good girls go to heaven, bad ones go everywhere? This is also the motto of the female tendency to SM. To be allowed to play the beast makes many women horny. “What appeals to me about BDSM is that I can completely break out of the role model of a woman. I am allowed to be dirty, rigorous and controlling. I enjoy having a partner who trusts me completely. I am responsible for how far I am allowed to go. Not taking advantage of it excites me even more” says the dominatrix.

“When I get to experience pain myself during sex, I love the endorphin rush of it. Not knowing what comes next. Surrendering completely, being at the mercy of someone, being able to take a beating and putting your own integrity in the hands of another person,” she says. “But like many women, I’m not interested in the extreme things. Blood does not have to flow. It may pull, I like clear words and the butt may also sometimes glow red, but hour-long sessions are not my case. But everyone is different”, says the BDSMlerin. But it would also be wrong to assume that every woman secretly likes BDSM sex.

Why do many women not admit their preference?

A woman who is into sexual submission or pain during sex is often ashamed of her preference. She feels shame towards women who have been victims of violence. She herself (and others to whom she would tell about her preference) seeks psychological reasons that explain her desire for a hard gear. “That’s how you feel stigmatized. At the same time, the desire for pats on the buttocks or bites in the nipple is just as much a preference as sex with or without a sex toy,” says the BDSM’ler “And there are, after all, quite a few other types of play”.

Afraid of being labeled “abnormal,” women look for like-minded people in special forums or repress their desire – proof of which is the huge success of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. “For many women, however, the fantasy is totally enough. Consequently, a soft kind of BDSM could also be partners fantasizing together about gentle submission scenarios,” says the kinky lover. Your fantasy is the most powerful sex toy ever!

Dictionary of BDSM: The most important terms

Bondage: Bondage means the artful tying up of the partner. Ropes, bondage tape or leather cuffs are used to bind or chain wrists, arms, neck or legs.

Dom: The “master” or “dom” or. “Mistress” or “Domina” is the controlling partner.

Kinks: “Kinks” refer to preferences; that is, what turns someone on. A kink is not to be confused with a “fetish”. For example, a kink can be bondage or hair pulling; a fetish is always tied to things or materials, such as lusting after lacquer and leather.

Safeword: The “safeword” is an arranged cue that immediately interrupts the sexual act.

Spanking: “Spanking” is the translation for spanking. Spanking is most often done with the flat of the hand (but a ping-pong paddle can also be used).

Spanking for Beginners

Sub: The “Sub” or also “Bottom” is the submissive. Unlike the “slave”, the sub only relinquishes control during play, not in everyday life as well. By the way, the submissive partner does not have to have a bad self-esteem. On the contrary, often subs are just as strong personalities as the dominant partners.

Switch: “Switch” means a person who is satisfied in both roles – as dominant or submissive part.

SSC: This abbreviation stands for “Safe, sane and consensual”. It means that the safety of the sub always comes before sexual pleasure. A BDSM session never takes place under the influence of drugs and the sub can end it at any time with the safeword.

Vanilla: People who are not into SM games are referred to as vanilla or vanilla in the scene. Also known as “flower sex”.

Can BDSM sex improve the relationship? 

Kinky sex is a way to enrich your sex in any case. Sharp role-playing breaks the sex routine and can even increase the trust level of the partners. By trying a harder pace, you’ll elicit possible fantasies and secret desires from your partner.

Don’t get it wrong, it’s not about hurting your partner. On the contrary, you let her decide for herself what she likes to try out. Even as a submissive partner she keeps control of the situation at all times (she says the code word – the game ends). Open communication also affects other areas of life – for example, BDSM couples report that in everyday life they are more sensitive to their partner’s wishes and concerns and are not afraid to draw boundaries.

BDSM for beginners: with these rules you start into the world of SM games

Don’t worry: kinky sex doesn’t mean that you will henceforth whip yourself in bed and only wear leather mask during lovemaking. The game BDSM has much more complex facets and starts with simple power games or experiments with pleasure pain. How to gently approach a harder pace.

1. Communication is everything
Much more important than the hard touch are the conversations beforehand. “This is the most important rule: you talk to each other about wishes and fears. Nothing happens that both partners don’t want,” says the expert. Without trust in each other, you won’t enjoy the rough touching. Watch movies together that have kinky sex scenes in them and see what it does to you and your partner. You have discovered “Fifty Shades of Grey” on the nightstand of your partner? Talk to her gently about whether she would like to try out the harder number.

2. Start with humor
Look at typical equipment (for example ropes) together and think out loud what you could do with it. This way you approach playfully and learn more about your partner’s fantasies or worries. This way you can also find out whether you would rather be the dominant or submissive part. “Now you also already agree on the safeword,” the BDSM’ler advises.

3. Stay in your comfort zone
“It’s not about trying out more and more blatant things. If something makes you hot, you don’t have to increase to harder types of play,” says the expert. If you feel at the first attempts that the type of play is not for you, you should not continue for the sake of your partner. Do only what you like and enjoy the new experience instead of thinking one step ahead already.

4. Welcome new feelings
“Ideally, start with something very simple. Blindfold your partner. BDSM is not necessarily about pain. More important are moments of surprise, being exposed. If you surprise your partner or yourself with ice cubes or tickling feathers, you are playing with sweet torture just as you would if you did it with a riding crop – only softer,” says the SM lover.

5. Don’t let your ego get into bed
If you are the dominant part, you should not use the powerful role to finally show your partner what bothers you. Thoughts of revenge are completely out of place. On the contrary: the dominant part has to be especially careful. He must pay attention to the sub’s feelings at all times and be very sensitive in his approach. If the Dom acts disrespectfully or selfishly only once, he forfeits his trust bonus forever.

6. Trust!
If you are the submissive part, you should surrender completely. “You must be able to trust the dominatrix 100 percent,” says the expert. This total surrender, putting your own safety in the hands of your partner, is what triggers the sexual attraction in the first place.

7. Let yourself be instructed
In this case, it is not sexual instruction that is meant, but technical support. Means: if you don’t know exactly how to tie up your beloved or how wax games work, for example, you should definitely get advice before you cause unwanted pain. There are BDSM fairs or bondage courses – you can also find help on the Internet, but make sure that the advisor is really an expert. You can also get advice in special fetish stores.

8. Become a good team
Part of kinky sex is that you talk afterwards about whether and how the other person enjoyed it. When you try BDSM for the first time, the first time is very exciting. You are entering new territory together. If you create an open atmosphere right now, the trust grows and remains even in later experiments.

Conclusion

The inclination to BDSM games has nothing to do with deviant desires. Many women harbor secret fantasies of submission or dominance. But most of them do not live them out. The reasons for this are fear of submission or lack of trust in the partnership. By gently asking your lover if she’d like to try a harder style or watching a movie together that includes BDSM scenes, you’ll find out what she thinks of kinky sex. If you then actually venture into the world of BDSM games, it’s not only very exciting, it can also improve your relationship. Like? The type of play requires very open communication and a high level of trust – and this affects other areas of everyday relationships as well. 

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