How many sex partners are normal?

How many notches you have already in the edge of the bed? How many hot nights are noted in red in your notebook. We guess: none. Because hardly any man keeps a record of his sexual adventures. And if they do, then it’s a pretty private matter. But at some point – regardless of whether you have just met or are already in a relationship – it still comes, this question about the number of people with whom you have already slept. Even the most tolerant lady can seldom refrain from curiosity. But what do you answer? Are you honest or do you correct the number up or down? 

Why is there so much cheating about the number of sex partners?

There is hardly any other topic that is so much fiddled with as the number of sex partners. Only with the weight or the age there are similarly many cheats. The reason is that men or women don’t want to appear to their current partner as a person with constantly changing sex partners. Conversely, too few sex partners could indicate dishonesty or an uptight attitude to life. 

Is there an ideal number of sex partners?

If it is about what is attractive to the partner, then we should correct the number of our sex partners. Men and women want their partners to have slept with 2 or 3 other partners before them, claim British researchers in a Study in the Journal of Sex Research. Subjects’ willingness to enter into a relationship with someone is highest if that person has had 2 previous sex partners. With 3 ex-partners it is somewhat lower. With more than 4 sex partners the attractiveness decreases. With persons, who had sex with more than 15 persons, hardly someone wants to enter into a partnership. The study authors also found that people who separate sex and love want relationship partners who have a lot of experience in bed. Someone who doesn’t separate sex and love, therefore, wants a partner with little sex experience. 

And what is the normal number of sex partners on average in a lifetime?

But is the idea of the British test persons realistic? Probably not, because they could not fulfill their requirements themselves. The women surveyed had an average of 6.8 sex partners, while the men had 8.4 ex-sex partners. This puts them in the average range. Because according to the statistics portal Statista 21 percent of all people have sexual intercourse with 6 to 10 partners. 17 percent have 2 to 3 sexual partners. Every tenth stated between 11 and 15 bedtime stories. About 5 percent come to more than 30 notches in the bed edge. The famous sandbox love is also confirmed by the study: 10 percent of all people, according to statistics, had sex with only one person in their lives.

The question of questions: How many people have you slept with?

But why is the answer actually so delicate? And why do so many women want to know how many people their partner has been intimate with? How serious the curious inquirers are, proves a survey of a British online pharmacy. Out of 2000 respondents, 30 percent said they would end the relationship if they learned their partner had had many sexual partners. Specifically, for the ladies surveyed, that was more than 15 partners; for men, the tolerance ends at 14 ex-sex partners. In addition, more than 3-quarters of respondents said that the number of sex partners should be discussed in the first 6 months of the relationship.

Should one disclose the number of sex partners?

This cannot be answered unequivocally. It usually depends on how long you’ve known the lady and how much you want to reveal about yourself. If you are only on the second date and find the question about ex-partners uncomfortable, this can be a good reason to remain silent. Say, “We’re welcome to talk about it, but let’s get to know each other better first”. Even after getting to know each other, it’s legitimate to wrap the cloak of silence around your bedtime stories. Your partner will try to push you to the truth by affirming that the number of ex-partners has nothing to do with your relationship, as long as you protected yourself from STDs.

She will say there is nothing to it. And yet you are not obliged to butter her up with the number. It is your private matter and maybe you are unsure whether your partner will not make a fuss about the information. To avoid a fight, say: “Look, I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s the past and it has nothing to do with us.”. If your partner then reacts in an offended manner, you should not retreat. Talk calmly about how this information will help you in your relationship.

This can lead to a productive conversation about what is important to both partners in the relationship. Because most of the time there is something else behind the curiosity. Maybe she is afraid that you might cheat on her. However, you can take away this fear without telling her the number of notches in your bed or even going into spicy details of the individual affairs. 

Is it okay to fib about the number of sex partners?

Either completely or not at all! If you decide to come clean with your partner, you have to be consistent. The number up or down to beautiful, brings little in this case. The truth usually comes out at some point. Then you look like a liar and your partner loses confidence. If you are afraid that the actual number might seem too high to your partner, start with a few introductory sentences. Explain how the number came up and what these short adventures meant to you.

For example, “During college, I went to a lot of parties and met a lot of girls. I wanted to let off steam, but these short flings meant nothing to me. I got tired of one-night stands. That was a time in my life that has been closed for a long time”. Never forget: The number of your ex-partners is part of your history, but it does not explain your whole personality. Also, the number does not predict whether you will be faithful or unfaithful in your current relationship. If your partner can’t cope with your past, your loved one may have a problem of her own, or you may simply not be meant for each other.

Bottom line: think twice before asking about her exes

You’ve experienced for yourself how uncomfortable it is to have to explain yourself. That’s why you should think twice before bringing up the subject of exes with your partner. Because between you and me, the number really doesn’t tell you anything about how things will be in your partnership.

On the contrary, if you poke holes in the lady on the very first date, she may secretly insinuate that you’re just checking to see if she’s an easy girl to get along with. If you ask her out later, she might suspect jealousy. You see, the subject never really comes up well. In a harmonious relationship, the partners usually come out with the exes on their own at some point. So be patient if you really want to know who was in your loved one’s box before you. But let’s be honest: Do we really want to know?

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Sex toy user for 5 years and blogger
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