All right, pants down. What’s the big deal? I’m going to bare my soul here and now and talk about my biggest sexual transgressions. Representing all men, of course. Because at the end of the day we’re all brothers, in bed as in spirit. I would like to see the man who could say of himself in terms of sex: “I regret nothing and no one. Everything has been super cream so far. I have always had more fun than stress in bed. And only the greatest women.”
All nonsense. The truth is: We men tend to exaggerate. This is part of our rutting behavior, thus genetically conditioned. We all always act like we are world champions in mattress sports. As if everything always goes smoothly and there is never the one or other pipe burst. I think that is our biggest mistake. But mistakes are there for the fact that one makes them. From mistakes one(cher) becomes wise. Let’s remember ..
Sex mistake 1: The first time
You increase your expectations beforehand to the exorbitant, so that the long-awaited act is more like a short, wet joke. At best. What was that stomping all those years?. First in the mind (and under the covers). And then finally on her. For about a minute or two. She, sweet, crunchy, with gum in her mouth, and we, stiff in every conceivable way and with a way too big condom.
The best part of the whole tussle was that afterwards you were relieved – in two ways. On the one hand, because you had finally gotten it over with, like a child’s disease. On the other hand, because you could spread the word among your friends, swollen to the core, so to speak: Hey, guys, I’m in the club now, too. of the frustrated. Or maybe not?
Sex mistake 2: Sex for money
How good that there is only one first time. Because a second first time I could hardly have coped with. All in all, my first night was like an erotic rampage. Expectations and experiences did not coincide in the least. I was completely frustrated. Consequently I asked a friend for advice – that was mistake number two. Because frustration and friend turned out to be very bad advisors. Both sent me to the Eros Center, to the blood red light. To the rent girls in the underground garage of lust. More precisely: to the department of venal love.
I do not want to go into so much detail. I just want to say that after this sober treatment in the style of “please free yourself down there” I was permanently cured. Until today, to be exact. Since then, sex for money seems to me like a declaration of bankruptcy to my own person. In any case, this has nothing to do with “love for sale”. “How many grams would you like to have?”You can’t buy love, but you can buy sex. Bad sex. “One oral, please!” With or without a receipt. In the form of crabs. When you’re unlucky. That’s my opinion anyway. Even at the risk that the union of horizontal hostesses will now climb on my roof (and probably rightly so). On the grounds that without sex for sale there would be considerably more frustration, despair and also rape. By the way, the most serious and unforgivable mistake. That does not need to be explained in detail.
Sex mistake 3: Sex with two promille
The alcohol was to blame, not me. It goes without saying. The sin juice par excellence. As a source of many evils. Especially when it comes to togetherness, keyword: drinking oneself beautiful. Who doesn’t know it, this fatamorgana-like potent recipe (which, by the way, is considerably cheaper and healthier for people who wear glasses)? Especially as it can come from a certain alcohol limit to what is commonly referred to as dead pants. An extremely embarrassing phenomenon. One (s) wants, but he can not. And even if you don’t meet this fate and it gets high inside or outside your pants, the morning after is guaranteed to follow.
The sobering end of a one-night stand. With its brutally bad aftertaste: crumpled and completely hungover you lie there and open your eyes. In a split second (and in nine out of ten cases) you think: My god, who or what is that? The cleaning lady, Quasimodo’s daughter, my grandma? The rest should be familiar – in the form of pressure, increased embarrassment, the exchange of wrong phone numbers, the whole brooding, the missing memory of safe sex.
Topped off by the guilty conscience (the only thing that stays swollen for weeks) of having cheated on your girlfriend or wife for a third-rate libido dump.
Sex mistake 4: Threesome
I do not even like to think about it. One of my biggest missteps was certainly to have lain in bed with two women after a party, but to have slept with only one of them. This is by far the most stupid thing you can (not) do as a man. Especially since such situations – at least gratuitously, under normal circumstances, with attractive women – are not necessarily commonplace.
I just can’t imagine what could be wrong with having sex with two women – if you have eaten high protein food and drunk little alcohol beforehand.
Sex mistake 5: In a couples club
To make up for it, I recently visited a swingers club. And paid a lot of entrance fee. Although I had sworn not to enter such an establishment in this life. But then a friend raved to me about it. He said you must have done that once. Ringelpiez with touching is nothing against it. In the swingers club you can really let off steam and let off steam. The animal in you and so on. And anyway a man should have tried pretty much everything in life at least once.
That made sense to me, theoretically. Practically, however, I don’t know (and don’t want to know) who or what got me into this. In any case it was not Claudia Schiffer. In a swingers club you meet people who are like you and me. With all their quirks. And their flaws. In a cheap interior and surrounded by a touch of Sodom and Gomorrah. In other words, if you think you’ll find the woman of your life or the fire of your loins on a bargain table, you’ve come to the right place. Who does not think that, should better deny himself the visit there. Because for the entrance fee you can buy yourself a nub everywhere.
Sex mistake 6: She is a he
There are relevant sheds. You could also call them tourist traps. The women there are tremendously good looking. If a bit pimped out. They show (almost) everything they have and can do. Sometimes it goes pretty fast. Which doesn’t make you wonder, because you smell the adventure of a lifetime. And it is. Absolutely unforgettable.
Already on the way to the toilet the dubious ladies pursue you and put their verbal promises into practice. They don’t flinch, they grab the torch right away and blow it out. With a fervor that is rare among women. No wonder. For there’s the small but subtle difference. As one notices at the latest at home or when reaching into the panties of a transvestite.
We summarize: When it stands, the mind stands. It has always been like that. It is probably a law of nature.
That’s why, despite or because of all the erections, we shouldn’t let ourselves get carried away and make the biggest mistake of all: leaving anyone or anything untried. Because we might think that women are somehow different, better, more faithful, better, more faithful, less horny or anything else.
It takes at least two to have an amorous adventure. Otherwise mankind would have died out long ago. And many who read this, certainly not alive. I think men and women alike could be at least a little grateful for that. So everything has its good. Even my mistakes.